If I Could

Last Tuesday night we rushed Yana to the ER. It sucked. Seeing my baby pricked and prodded with her eyes turned on me,  eyes begging me to stop the pain, just breaks my heart a million times over.

She had trouble breathing, her lips were blue. She did not ate nor drank any milk the whole day, just sipped some water every coughing spell. I am at fault 100%. I called home during the day, 4 times, but since I was very busy at work, and Mikaela just kept on telling me “Talk to you later, bye!” about 5 times during our 59 -second conversation, which right after she’ll bang the phone and click, line-cutoff. I never was able to talk to Joan (the nanny) and asked about how Ayana was doing, not until around 7pm.

Before leaving home, she was already wheezing but not so much and I already have a bad feeling it will get worst but still I went, with just a dose of a medicine prescribe last month for the same symptoms.

This guilt is really irrelevant now, I know. The important thing is I learned my lesson and fallible human beings that we, mothers, parents are too, I should have trusted my mommy-instinct and  went with the nebulizing or at least texted dear pedia for advise.

The diagnosis was bronchopnuemonia, most probably caused by bacterial or viral infection. We decided to take turns in filing for a leave of absence at work and agreed to have at least one parent with Ayana during the day and both of us at night.

We are discharged today after 4 nights stay at the hospital and with 4 meds to continue in the next five days and nebulizing session every 6 hours a day and on the fifth day we need to go for a follow-up checkup. I’m just glad and happy we are home.

This is our first hospital admission experience. And fortunately, Yana was a trooper, not so fussy but we have trouble with her orally-taken meds. It is a trying thing, she’ll drink it but spit it back. So frustrating.

This experience made me remember a line from one Barbra Streisand song If I Could.

but I know that I can never cry your tears but I would if I could….

I always thought labor was the most painful thing, but now, I know better. The most painful thing, is to see your baby in pain and then you just have to see it happen and let it happen because then it is and will eventually for her/his on good. I have a feeling this is the whole point of motherhood.

Ayana Rhys 1 day old

She's a trooper. Watching Phineas and Ferb.


7 thoughts on “If I Could

  1. Oh, Ava ! So sorry to hear about Yana ! Yes, it’s tough seeing them in pain. No one so small should be in the sterile atmosphere of a hospital. But this is life, unfortunately. And as you said so beautifully, part of motherhood. Sending you love and prayers for Yana’s speedy recovery xxx

    • Oh, thanks for remembering me, Ava ! Yes ! That was a tough night. But the outpour of love and support from other mums helped me realise that I wasn’t alone. So, I hope we’ve been able to help you ease from some of that guilt. Hang in there !

  2. Scary for parents. Another sister with 3 children, had some heart-stopping (figuratively) experiences because her children are allergic to any nuts. They cannot have any trace of nut –not even in body lotions or in soaps. One of the children is allergic to shrimp..so much it has meant going to ER.

    So learning for a parent certainly comes from emergencies with kids!

    • Aw man! This is more serious. Double vigilance if not triple. You are right Ms. Jean, with emergencies it’s rife with learnings. I just heard that one of my friend lost her 1st baby born-prematurely, this puts a lot of perspective on my troubles. The important thing is to learn fast and not to repeat any mistakes.

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